I Am Two People Contained In One Body

/
 
multi head trauma

The impact of trauma on my childhood development

I am two people contained in one body.

Number One is self-conscious, prone to prolonged bouts of mental illness, and not at all confident.

Number Two is a highly motivated, fit and confident person. One who pushes himself daily to grow, learn and produce.

Throughout most of my childhood, Number One ruled. This was the product growing up in a less than stable home, my father was an addict and a dealer; subsequently his home never felt safe.

Number One learnt to survive. To feed himself and his brother and for the most part, to blend into the background. He developed dissociation to cope with the more traumatic events of his childhood; something that he still battles with to this day.

Number Two did exist back then, but his visits were fleeting.

He would come out for sports and occasionally in class, but never stayed for long. Occasionally he would make friends, but would never share his social skills with number one.

Number One self-harmed, number one idealised suicide; but when it came down to the crunch, number two kept me alive.

He is the eternal fighter. Someone who is never satisfied that ‘enough is enough’. He keeps pushing for growth, self-improvement, learning and gains.

Today, for the most part, Number Two is in control.

My drive and work ethic is far larger than anyone I know. I meditate and exercise daily, put out regular blogs, vlogs, podcasts and books. I am constantly learning, experimenting and growing.

Yet I am still two people.

Number One is still inside me, and he still gets a vote.

Sometimes Number Two ignores Number one, but he always regrets it. If number one isn’t cared for, he rebels and we all come crashing down. Number Two has lost weeks at a time this way.

So now I am faced with an interesting balancing act.

I prefer Number Two, yet I can’t shake Number One. Regardless I am not convinced that I should get rid of him entirely (even if I could).

Self-care is important. Rest days are important. Healing and recovery is important.

Whilst Number Two is hyper productive, he doesn’t stop and smell the roses. He doesn’t sit and enjoy the fruits of his labour. On the other hand, Number One knows what it is like to suffer and subsequently appreciates the simpler things.