Kill Or Be Killed

Photo by Ranadeep Bania on Unsplash

I wasn’t surprised to discover that I was capable of murder.

I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t think about the morality of my act, nor about the sanctity of life, nor did I ponder how my actions would contradict the dictates given to us by God.

I just did what was necessary.

Some men would have hesitated over such trivialities, and by doing so those men would have fallen. When the enemy is at the gate, the time for philosophising is over.

I had no choice in the matter. It was all instinct. A millennia’s worth of evolution readying me for that one moment.

Primal. Visceral. Animalistic.

When it came down to it, it was either me or him.

Animals don’t question a kill. They don’t feel remorse. They just do what needs to be done to survive. And in a way, men are the same. We do what needs to be done. But unlike animals, we are cursed. Our memories are faulty, and our reasoning is self-serving.

Even now, just moments after the act, I can feel it happening. I am already forgetting. I feel the aftermath of adrenaline coursing through me, but it no longer has that distinct bite to it. I am no longer so afraid, or so angry.

I can feel my higher self returning. The self that is capable of deep thought, contemplation, comparison and rumination. The self that will seek to justify itself to you. The one that will explain away what I just did. Using cold logic, reasoning and desperate appeals to emotion.

It will fail in this quest.

Words are inadequate. Words are mere representations of truth, not truth itself. Give me ten words or ten thousand and I will still not be able to sufficiently explain myself. Not in a way that you would understand, nor in a way that would do any justice as to what just happened or why.

I also know that regardless of this fact, I will attempt to explain myself. Not so that you understand me, but so that I can understand me.

I know that in time I will feel deep regret and remorse for my actions. I will suffer from nightmares and visions. I will seek solace and acceptance and understanding. Not for what I did, but for the fact that I was capable of doing it.

And because I would do it again. I would do what was necessary to survive long enough to regret doing it.

Authors Note: Our brains have a way of justifying our actions. Of making us feel like we are the moral centre of the universe. That way we can live with ourselves after crossing lines that we didn’t think we could cross, and keep going.