Surviving Addiction & Depression - Jack Agatston

Life with addiction and depression can be hard enough. But the stigma surrounding the two issues can increase the shame felt by the person afflicted to the point where recovery becomes much more difficult. For myself the feeling of being different from my peers was one of the hardest things to overcome.

Depression and addiction are both mental illnesses that can cause a person to feel incredibly alone. I know that I felt like I was different from my peers countless times throughout my life. Even though I have been lucky enough to have some very good people as friends of mine there are still moments where I believe they don’t care to be friends with me at all.

Growing up I knew that I was a bit different from my friends. Maybe I was more sensitive, or angrier. Whatever the feeling was, I had a core belief that I was unlike anyone else in the world. I think that’s one of the goals of addiction and depression. To make you feel as alone as possible.

By feeling so poorly about myself I was able to justify doing incredibly foolish things such as abusing drugs. And once I was old enough to realize there was something out there I could take that would make me feel better about myself immediately, I grasped onto it for dear life. The tricky things with drugs though, is they never make you feel better forever. It’s a bit unfortunate, all of the negative things that come along with drug use. Because if I’m being brutally honest, the early days of my drug use were very happy times. It was innocent at first.

Sure there is even stigma around using drugs, but with the crowd I fell in with when I was younger it was just part of the norm. And once I entered high school, it seemed like everyone was engaging in some sort of partying. The carefree times were very short lived, however, and if I would’ve known just what was going to happen to me in the future I might have even stopped using all together. Maybe.

Even though I had some time where it seemed like the cool thing to do was to get high and drunk. The parties would end, and I would still be looking to use more, do more, drink more. Other kids were having some lighthearted fun that might have been a bit unhealthy for their age, I was trying to do anything to make myself feel better.

I was incredibly depressed, but I didn’t even really have a concept of depression. None of my friends talked about being depressed, and since I had felt this way about myself for so long I just thought that’s how things were meant to be.

As I got older it became clear that I could no longer ignore the internal struggles I was having and something needed to be done in order for me to find some peace. My parents also recognized this and they decided to step in. When I was 16 years old I was sent to several treatment centres in order for me to find some help. The first place I went to was a mental and behavioural health hospital. After that I went to a wilderness program and then to a therapeutic boarding school. I was away from everyone I knew for about 15 months. Upon my arrival home I told many stories about my time away to many people and didn’t mind the attention I got because of it. But the one thing I never told anyone was that I went to mental health hospital.

I didn’t want anyone finding out I went to a psych ward because I was afraid of what people would think of me. It was “cool” to get sent to a wilderness program and boarding school because I was able to spin that into a story of getting punished for partying too much. But if people knew I went to a psych ward then they would think I was different, which I was trying hard to be.

Eventually my drug use progressed to levels that were incredibly dangerous. I was using substances every day and my friends took notice. I’d embarrass myself by making a fool out of myself by using too much. It got to the point where my friends would no longer allow me to go over to their houses, for fear that I would overdose and they would find me dead. I stopped spending time with other people and spent my days alone getting high. This didn’t help how I felt about myself at all. I entered rehab a few more times but now it was no longer something to brush off and joke about with friends.

I was in rehab because my drug use had gotten so out of control that I was going to die. No one thought it was funny and most people also questioned me as to why I wouldn’t just stop. Things had gone on long enough, it was time for me to stop being a junkie and use responsibly.

It’s difficult for people to understand things like addiction and depression if they don’t go through it themselves. Why should they understand? They don’t really have any reason to. It’s not their fault they can’t rationalize what it’s like to not be able to stop using a substance, or have overwhelming lows that feel like things will never get better. Now that I’m sober and have undergone treatment for my depression it doesn’t bother me that my friends and family don’t completely understand these things.

I have found self-worth that makes these things possible. That I think is the biggest thing that has led me to overcome the stigma around addiction and depression. I no longer care that I have these issues. It’s just part of who I am. It doesn’t make me less than anyone. It just means that I have to be more aware of where my head is at, so I don’t revert back into old unhealthy habits. Building my self-esteem was no easy task, but because I finally took the help that was offered to me and pieced together some sober time I’ve begun to feel a lot better.

Now I am able to be of service to other people that struggle with depression and addiction. Because of this I can show someone else that the stigma around these things isn’t really a big deal at all. People not understanding things that don’t affect them is very common in society today. So if they want to look down on me it doesn’t bother me at all. I have internal validation that reminds me of the hard work I have put in to get better. And at the end of the day that is all that matters.

- Jack Agatston

Jack lives in Atlanta, GA. After getting sober he threw himself into recovery. In addition to spreading hope through his writing, he works as a tech at an outpatient treatment center. You can read more of his work at thesummitwellnessgroup.com/.