If They Gossip To You, Don’t Be Surprised When People Gossip About You
Gossip is a part of everyday life, but its impact runs deeper than we often realize. When people gossip about you, it can be very hurtful and damaging. Through my work in mental health advocacy, meditation, and counseling, I’ve seen first hand how gossip affects both the speaker and the subject, often reinforcing insecurity and division.
While it can feel like harmless conversation, gossip has the power to damage relationships, create misunderstandings, and fuel negativity. In this blog, we’ll explore why people gossip and share secrets, what to do when people gossip about you, and how we can shift toward more meaningful communication.
When People Gossip About You, It’s Usually The Same People That Gossip With You About Others
If you think that people won’t share your secrets with others, you are probably mistaken. When people gossip about you, it’s usually the same people that have been gossiping to you about others. If they are happy to gossip with you, I’m sorry to say but they are likely okay to gossip about you as well.
I can feel you instantly balking at this statement. The mere thought that your friends or family could betray your trust is confronting. This is a reasonable enough response, the idea that those closest could be talking about you disparagingly, can create an extreme level of cognitive dissonance. It is far easier to assume that if you tell someone something in confidence, it will stay that way.
But then how do secrets get out? If everyone trusts everyone, gossip would not be an issue. In fact, the concept of gossip itself would be meaningless. How many pieces of information about your extended friendship circle, colleagues and family have you heard about second hand? How many times have you been told something about someone that by rights you shouldn’t have? Sooner or later, all secrets are revealed.
It comes in many forms. “I know I shouldn’t share this but…” or “I can trust that you won’t tell anyone…” The question you need to ask yourself is this: “If I am hearing information about someone else, who is hearing information about me?”
The person telling you believes that it is okay to share it with you because they trust that you will be able to keep it a secret. Ironically, they are trusting your ability to keep a secret over their own. This process perpetuates itself over and over again until everyone knows. This concept is similar to that of sexting. As a teacher, it was my job to discuss safe sex practices both in the traditional sense as well as in the online world. I once asked a class to raise their hands if they have seen a picture of somebody that wasn’t meant to be shared. Approximately twenty of the twenty-five students admitted that they had seen multiple different pictures that were sent in private between two parties.
Their faces dropped when I suggested that if they have ever sent such pictures themselves, that there could be someone in another class raising their hand right now and thinking of them. I pointed out that everyone sending those pictures trusted that the recipient would delete the photo or keep it to themselves.
“But I love him, he would never betray me like that, he is different.” He may be, or you could be wrong about him. Remember, people change all the time and relationships come and go. You may be close now, but think of all those in your past who you were close to but you now no longer speak to. Would you want them to possess a nude picture of you? The same is true of secrets.
Alternatively, the act of sharing the secret itself may not even be (intentionally) hurtful or vindictive. When people gossip about you, there are even circumstances that sharing the secret could be done out of sincere concern for the individual. It is easy to imagine a situation where you would want to protect someone from potential pain. So you might share with those around them the details of your friend’s recent traumatic experience. By sharing this secret with others, you are attempting to make sure that those topics won’t be mentioned, or the very least that they will be approached delicately.
In this instance by sharing the information, you are taking away your friend’s ability to embrace the topic themselves. You have disempowered them and taken away their ability to own it. Not only have you betrayed a significant level of trust, but you have also caused that topic to be in the forefront of everyone’s mind.
Rather than protecting the person from harm, you have in fact caused it. By sharing their secret, you have inadvertently ensured that everyone is thinking about it. Because of you, they may now be looking at the person differently, attempting to fit this new piece of information into their world view of the person.
The simple fact is this. If you tell somebody something, there is an infinitely greater chance that it will get out than if you keep it to yourself. As the saying goes, if you have told one person you have told eleven. I am not saying to never talk, rather to just be aware. If you couldn’t handle it getting out, keep it to yourself or speak to a professional.
Long before I opened up publicly about my experiences with suicide, assault and mental illness, I spoke to a psychologist. This person is detached from the rest of my life and is employed in a professional capacity. Talking with her enabled me to come to terms with a lot of the issues of my past which have subsequently enabled me to share it with the world.
I have many more hidden demons, things that I am not ready to share openly. Perhaps I will one day, but not yet. Whilst it is true that I have told a few choice individuals, I have done so with extreme caution. These are people that have never gossiped to me about others, never sharing with me things that they shouldn’t have.
By keeping other’s secrets, I am certain that they will keep mine.
But Why Do People Gossip About Me?
If you find yourself asking yourself, why do people gossip about me - you’ve come to the right place. Let’s look at the psychology behind gossip and why we as a species do it in the first place.
Gossip is a deeply ingrained part of human communication. From an evolutionary perspective, it played a key role in social bonding and group survival. Our ancestors relied on gossip to share important information about who could be trusted, who posed a threat, and how to navigate social dynamics. Even today, gossip serves as a way to connect with others, establish social norms, and reinforce shared values.
However, gossip isn’t always harmless. It can be used to manipulate, exclude, or harm others, often reinforcing divisions rather than fostering connection. The way we engage in gossip and the intention behind it determines whether it strengthens or damages relationships.
There are several psychological reasons why people gossip, including social bonding as talking about others, whether positively or negatively, creates a sense of connection and belonging within a group. Gossip can be a way to elevate one’s status or power in a setting by bringing someone else down, controlling narratives, or positioning oneself as "in the know."
People also often gossip out of boredom, using it as a form of entertainment or as a way to avoid addressing their own issues. Gossip can be a means of reinforcing personal beliefs, gaining approval from peers, seeking validation for themselves, or finding agreement in shared opinions.
Sometimes, talking about others is a way of emotional processing on the part of the gossiper, to make sense of personal feelings, particularly when dealing with jealousy, insecurity, or unresolved emotions.
What To Do When People Gossip About You
Handling gossip about yourself can be challenging, but the way you respond can make a big difference in how it affects you. Let’s talk about some strategies of what to do when people gossip about you with confidence and integrity.
First of all, stay calm and assess the situation. Before reacting, take a step back and evaluate what’s being said and by whom. Is it a misunderstanding, an exaggeration, or a complete falsehood? The way you respond will depend on the nature of the gossip. It may be very triggering for you, so take some time for yourself to calm down and bring yourself back to grounding.
It is best to avoid retaliating and instead focus on setting an example of mindful and meaningful communication. When people gossip about you, it’s tempting to fight fire with fire, but responding with more gossip or anger often makes things worse. Instead of stooping to the same level, maintain your integrity by refusing to spread negativity - be the bigger person that you know you are!
If the gossip is particularly harmful or affecting your relationships, consider addressing it with the source. A calm and direct conversation can sometimes clear up misunderstandings and stop the spread of misinformation. Try something like:
"I heard that something was said about me, and I wanted to clarify things directly with you. Can we talk about it?"
Also, surround yourself with people who know your character, can be trusted and won’t be swayed by gossip. Talking to a trusted friend or mentor can help you process your emotions and gain perspective.
Let your character and your actions speak for themselves. One of the best ways to counter gossip is to continue living in a way that reflects your true self. Over time, people will see the truth through your actions, and the gossip will lose its power.
If certain people repeatedly spread rumors or thrive on drama, it may be necessary to distance yourself from them and set some boundaries. Protect your peace by choosing relationships that are built on trust and respect.
Gossip often says more about the person spreading it than it does about you. When people gossip about you remember: people who engage in gossip may be projecting their own insecurities or seeking attention. Try not to internalize their words or take it personally.
You can’t always stop people from talking, but you can control how you respond. Focus on your own growth, happiness, and wellbeing rather than giving energy to the negativity.
Sometimes gossip can reveal useful insights, so try to use it as a learning opportunity, perhaps about the company you keep or areas where better communication could prevent misunderstandings. Reflect on the situation, learn from it, and move forward.
In many cases, gossip fades as quickly as it appears, so know how and when to let it go. The less attention you give it, the sooner people will move on to the next topic. Choose your battles wisely and don’t let small minded talk define your worth.
By handling gossip with grace and confidence, you protect your peace and reinforce your true character, no matter what others may say.
Shifting Away From Gossip and Towards Meaningful Communication
While gossip might feel natural, being intentional about how we speak about others can lead to healthier relationships and personal growth. We can intentionally decide that we will not engage in gossip and instead make a stand for meaningful communication. This also signals to our family that we will not partake in sharing other people’s secrets and make us more trustworthy.
Meaningful communication begins when we pause before we speak. Before engaging in talking about somebody, ask yourself: "What is my intention?" If it’s to harm, belittle, or judge, don’t say anything and don’t answer in any way. If it is to honestly solve a problem or help somebody, carefully choose the words you use to show that you are only going to engage in problem solving actions, rather than mindless gossip.
Practice compassion. If someone’s actions or behavior are bothering you, try to see the situation from their perspective rather than reducing them to a one dimensional story. If gossip arises in a group setting, steer the conversation toward a more constructive topic.
Meaningful communication means encouraging open dialogue, if an issue truly needs to be discussed, have a direct and honest conversation with the person involved rather than speaking about them behind their back.
Cultivate self awareness, notice when you are drawn to gossip and ask yourself why. Are you feeling insecure? Seeking validation? Addressing these underlying emotions can help reduce the urge to gossip.
By shifting our communication habits, we can foster deeper connections built on trust, respect, and authenticity.
If this post has resonated with you, I would love your support.
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