i find myself through poetry

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blue and yellow buddha or shiva meditation painting brushstrokes

When I write, I lose myself in the present moment. I tap into the muse, put pen to paper, and all else disappears.

Then, some indeterminant time later, it ends. I don’t exactly know what it is: inspiration, flow, creativity, but all of a sudden I wake up to myself, finding the present moment, along with some words on a page expressing a moment in time, or a thought, or beauty.

That, or a palimpsest of healing. Words written by myself, about myself, for myself about finding myself.

Whilst collating my latest collection, poetry from a dark night of the soul I noticed that a few of my poems featured the words ‘i find myself’ – those three words, embedded within a poem serve as a finger pointing to the moon of a possible future. One in which I am fully integrated with my shadow, one in which I have fully processed my past, one in which I can be whole.

Below I will share with you a collection of the poems in which I have found myself in the hopes that doing so can be a catalyst helping you on the journey of finding yourself.

i find myself

i find myself
standing in a river
hands outstretched
struggling
in a futile attempt
to hold back the flow

fretting
overall the water
slipping through my fingers
and the erosion underfoot
threatening to dislodge
my fragile defiance

then

a bird call
a gust of wind
a glimpse of sunshine
a moment of surrender

i let go
and just float
trusting the river
to take me
wherever
i need to be

- from, poetry from a dark night of the soul, out now: eBook, Paperback, Hardcover & Audio, you can read more poems from the collection here.

the surface of my soul

i find myself sitting
on the surface of my soul
afraid
of what lies beneath
the haphazardly constructed mirror
i present to the world

- from, poetry from a dark night of the soul, out now: eBook, Paperback, Hardcover & Audio, you can read more poems from the collection here.

i’m worth keeping

upon waking
i’m dismayed to discover myself already breaking
thoughts preaching
lights beaming
whispered voices that feel like screaming

i find myself fleeing
huddling in a corner
counting heartbeats
shallow breathing

i can actually feel my rationality leaving
whatever i was is now just dissociated dreaming

i long to find meaning
behind these tears now streaming
but all i can muster is passive disbelieving

i thought such pain was leaving
i thought i was a book worth reading
i thought by sharing and speaking
my days would be filled with more than just ink bleeding

time passes and i hear my kids pleading
they want their dad
not some broken mess stuck self-defeating

time to put on the mask and pretend that the world has stopped screeching
that my thoughts are no longer scheming
and that my pain is receding

but then they hug me and tell me i’m worth keeping
they jump and laugh with smiles gleaming
inviting me to play

requesting
repeating
a loving greeting worth receiving

the world softens
stuck turns fleeting
colour returns
that unmovable block retreating
tension releasing
light increasing
clear seeing

i hold them
and commit to continue proceeding
today was hard
but sometimes just surviving counts as succeeding

- from, poetry from a dark night of the soul, out now: eBook, Paperback, Hardcover & Audio, you can read more poems from the collection here.