Feeling Unsupported? How To Handle The Negativity The Comes When You Make Positive Life Change
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Ignore The Haters
- Ch: 6.8 of How To Get Your Sh!t Together -
“Don’t worry about the haters. They are just angry because the truth you speak contradicts the lie they live.” – Dr. Steve Maraboli
When you start to make changes in your life in any positive direction, you will encounter haters. This might leave you feeling unsupported. There are people who will share with you all of the reasons that you should stop doing what you are now doing, and why you will fail. They cause you to doubt yourself, question your goals as well as the methods that you are going about acquiring them.
There are more than one type of ‘hater’. While these people can be of the cliché online troll variety, they more often come in the form of well-wishing friends and family who ‘only mean the best for you’.
It is important to realise that most people lack the imagination or empathy needed to see the world through someone else’s eyes. They can only ever really see the world through their own experiences, and only really accept that something is possible if they themselves could do it, or if they have seen it being done before. When they see you attempting to break the established norms of their lives, their concept of reality is threatened. What you are attempting is dangerous, risky or impossible to them, so they warn you. They do this out of love, because they want you to ‘succeed’.
What they don’t realise is that ‘success’ for you may be different from what they define as success. You may be offered unhelpful advice or suggestions that are contradictory to your path. Be wary of unsolicited advice! Often people will offer advice to you from a place of concerned ignorance.
They are worried for you, because what you are proposing seems impossible, because for them it is.
This doesn’t end when you start to show some success. Often they will claim it is mere luck, or that you will come crashing down eventually. Then they will suggest that you should play it safe, take their advice and stop now. Adopt ‘plan B’ before it is too late to do so.
Be The First: In Your Field, Family or Friendship Group
People will always doubt what can be done, until it is done. The classic example is of the ‘four minute mile’. Prior to the record being broken in 1954 by Roger Bannister (3:59.4), running a mile in under four minutes was thought to be impossible. Yet once that mark was broken, many more people were able to break it as well.
Once somebody does something, it becomes possible for others to do it as well.
This same trait can be found in all fields. Prior to the Harry Potter phenomenon, people predicted the downfall of writing, suggesting that there is no money in it. J.K. Rowling proved them wrong, and subsequently became the first billionaire author. Many people reacted to this news with the offhanded remark that ‘she was lucky’ or that she was ‘in the right place at the right time’. I wonder if she was feeling unsupported at this time?
What those statements don’t acknowledge is that she actually did it. She got a whole generation reading, and led the way for many more authors to follow in her footsteps. Has there been another billionaire author since? I am not sure, but I know that there will be. She has made it possible in the mind of aspiring authors everywhere.
My aspirations are nowhere near that grandiose. My goal is to be able to do what I love doing (writing, coaching and public speaking) and provide a comfortable living for my family. Sounds simple enough, but I have encountered significant amounts of ‘hate’ from friends and family wishing me well. They suggest that I should have stayed teaching full time as that would have been the safer option, or failing that, re-educated myself to acquire a different full time career working in some other field more to my taste. I know what it’s like to be feeling unsupported in my dreams.
Live Your Truth, Despite Feeling Unsupported
What this advice fails to acknowledge is my reality. While I certainly would have more money and job security as a full time teacher, I wouldn’t be anywhere near as mentally healthy, nor as satisfied with my work. Working long hours is not the problem, the problem for me comes with working long hours in the one location, repeatedly doing the same thing with the same people. I need variety, I need personal space, I need to be creative. No amount of money is worth my sanity!
However from the perspective of those friends and family members, getting and keeping a full time job is the only real option that they have ever considered. Thus when I share what my plans are, alarm bells go off, and they try to show me the error of my ways. To them, what I am doing seems completely abstract and because they care, they offer me advice, warnings, and not so helpful suggestions of what I should do instead.
I have stopped listening. I know that my truth is different to their truth, and as such I need to forge my own future and potentially make my own mistakes along the way.
Really, my biggest regret is not starting sooner. I wasted over five years working a traditional job rather than trusting in what I knew to be my life calling. I listened to other people, and to society at large for far too long, I let their fears became my fears.
These days I know that when I am feeling unsupported, it’s time to have a debrief with someone that truly understands what I am doing. I limit what I share with everyone else.
TAKE ACTION
Take note of how the people around you respond when you share your goals, dreams and aspirations with them. Are they encouraging or doubtful? More importantly, how do their comments impact your mental state?
If you are detrimentally impacted by their comments or if they make you question yourself, or leave you feeling unsupported, consider limiting contact with that person, or avoiding those topics.
If you are pressed for information, attempt to change the topic, provide short and vague answers, or spare them the details, they won’t understand them anyway.
If you find yourself needing support or encouragement, go somewhere else for it. Those people they can’t provide you with what you need.
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You will eventually get your ‘I told you so moment’, even if you never say it to them directly. Your success will speak for you. You may fail initially and repeatedly, but if you continue to push, keep learning and adjusting, you will eventually be successful.
The haters will always be talking, always offering you ‘helpful advice’. Just ignore them, they will only bring you down.
TAKE ACTION
I have found it useful to have a quick and easy to understand summary of what I am doing. That way, when someone asks me I can confidently project it to them.
This is mine, “I am an online mental health advocate. In this role I share my experiences with mental illness, trauma and the recovery process. I work as a speaker, coach, vlogger, podcaster and author.”
This simple sentence, when said with confidence helps me to convey to other people that I am doing, that I am serious about what I am doing, and that my approach is working.
Take some time to create a summary for yourself.
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How To Give And Receive Feedback
Despite what the first part of this chapter may suggest, I am a firm believer in seeking feedback and advice. Here I will cover how to give and receive feedback in a way that works for both parties.
Quality feedback is vital to success.
The opinion of an outside party on an idea or project can be invaluable. From their detached perspective they are easily able to see where you could improve, highlight where you could make some changes, and potentially point out some things that you may have missed.
So why not simply listen to the haters? Aren’t they giving you detached advice?
Kind of. People are apt to offer their opinions on any topic freely, even on topics that they have no business in doing so. It is foolish to trust a fool’s advice. How many times have you heard people sharing their opinions about things that they have no idea about? Talking with the vigor of a twenty year professional, but with the knowledge and experience of a novice? You will not get anything of value listening to those people, other than perhaps concern.
I prefer to seek the advice of people who I trust as they are less likely to leave me feeling unsupported. My wife, my psychologist, my coach and a select group of close friends and family. Beyond that small circle, I generally take people’s advice and suggestions with a grain of salt. Unless I have asked a person for advice, or that person is an expert in the area of expertise that they are advising me in, I don’t see a reason to trust that advice, or give it any more weight than I would give a random stranger’s advice that I received online (that is, little to none). If I didn’t ask for the feedback and it is just given to me, I am wary of it.
I have spent way too long being held back by other people’s anxiety, worries and concerns. Now I trust myself.
Speaking of, one of the biggest haters is your own anxiety. Remember that your anxiety is a liar. It never turns out as bad as anxiety would have you believe it will. Stop letting anxiety hold you back.
Take all the steps necessary to overcome it and keep trusting in yourself.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q) My partner is persistent with his unsupportive ‘helpful advice’. It makes me question myself constantly. What can I do?
A) Do your best to communicate your vision with him. Express what you want to accomplish and why. Share your planned method with him and why you think it will be successful. If this can’t be done in person due to constant interruptions, arguments, diversions or heated emotions during the conversation, try writing it to him.
Make sure that you also express a desire to be trusted and accepted. Yes, he may not understand what you are doing completely, but he needs to have some faith that you know what you are doing. Let him know that you are just as sure of success, as he is of your failure. It is your life, and as such, you get the final vote.
That being said, it is also important to consider the feelings, reasons and emotions of your partner. Have you honestly and truly listened to what he has to say and why? Is he providing you with real reasons, or is he talking out of fear, jealousy or concern? Considering the closeness of your relationship, he may have a real insight into you that you may be blind to.
My wife knows me so well that she can often provide me with insights that are initially beyond my own understanding. It has repeatedly proved unwise to ignore her wisdom!
If your partner and any children’s livelihoods are at stake, you need to make sure that you are able to continue to provide for them. You may be widely successful in your endeavours, but you may not (at least not initially). If, through listening to your partner, you discover that that is the basis of his concern, then you need to show him how you will continue to ensure everyone’s ongoing survival, while also pursuing your dreams.
Finally, if the problem still persists, you may have to face a choice between your relationship and following your dreams. This sucks, but it may be necessary. Some people are simply not suited to certain lifestyles, risks or concepts. This is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Q) My work is online in nature, and people in the comment section can be merciless. It is a constant source of self-doubt and depression. What can I do about it?
A) Stop reading the comments or block the offending parties. Anonymity causes people to revert back to animal instincts and just lash out. On some level, your success is threatening to them and they want to bring you down to their level. Don’t respond. Just block or ban them.
Also realise that the anonymous nature of these comments can make it feel like all comments are of equal worth. They simply are not. You don’t know who you are talking to. Is it a PHD holding expert in your field, or a bored 12 year old? Unless you know who you are talking to, take their comments with a grain of salt.
Resources
Be The Hero Of Your Own Movie, Joe Rogan
Arnold Schwarzenegger Commencement Speech
Summary
Don’t let the anxiety, concerns, or the petty jealousy of others stop you from moving forward. People fear what they don’t understand or can’t imagine doing themselves.
