Triggers Are Tricky Things
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Triggers are tricky things.
Some I know of and actively avoid. Others blindside me. Some are specific, only occurring around a particular person or situation. Others are global and will without fail impact me anywhere and everywhere.
It can be a look, a smell, a touch. Anything.
One time, whilst visiting a friend, the smell of some mouldy food brought me back to the pigsty that was my father’s house.
Another time, it was the mere choice of words combined with a tone of voice that had me withdrawing into a corner.
The smell of dust warming on old gas heaters are particularly triggering. The last time that happened, I was out for a week. Struggling to function enough to wash or feed myself.
One of the most debilitating things is how physical touch is sporadically triggering.
Unexpected and random physical contact often freaks me out, particularly on my lower back. This is particularly apparent when I am resting in bed just prior to sleeping. I have to teach my partners that I prefer a stationary hand over a moving or stroking hand. The first is safe and calming. The other is triggering.
Obviously, this not great for relationships.
Once triggered, I become increasingly vulnerable to being triggered again. I am also prone to being significantly impacted by the moods of others. Any aggression, accusation, blame, or confusion puts me into a tailspin.
Social engagements and expectations are a challenge. I struggle to make and stick to plans or to speak on the phone. Choosing birthday gifts or appropriate the clothing for catch ups is so stressful that I usually just avoid the situation entirely. Work becomes a grind.
Suffice to say, recovery is a long and confusing process.
Sometimes I need support and comfort. Other times I need space. Depending on the trigger, I may withdraw totally, or only partially. This often leaves friends and family at a loss. They then ask me for what I want, but at the time I both struggle to know what I want, and struggle to express it.
Compounding the confusion is the varying nature of my resilience levels. The same trigger could cause little impact one day, and catastrophe the next.
Try explaining that one!
And speaking of explaining, it is a perpetual struggle to let someone know how and when I am triggered, in a way that does not result in them feeling insulted. This problem is compounded when they were the inadvertent ‘cause’ of the trigger.
I often find myself having to console them, taking pains to let them know that whilst they ‘did’ do a triggering thing, that I both know that they did not mean it, and more importantly, that my triggers are mine to deal with and manage.
I must let them know that my reaction may be extreme, and I may need time and space from them because of the triggering event. But also, that I do not blame them, and that it is in no way their fault.
Regardless, my withdrawal can and often does come as a slap in the face.
What is more, there have been times where even though it was unintentional, the negative associations between a person and a trigger have stuck and compounded. The result being the need to significantly change the nature of the relationship, or to simply end it, as I may simply be unable to function around that person, in certain places or contexts, in a normal capacity.
This has resulted in the ending of romantic and platonic relationships, the need to change workplaces, as well the shuffling around of therapists at short notice.
What a mess.
I often joke about the need for me to get a new brain. One that is functional, securely attached, with little to no inbuilt triggers. Wishful thinking, I know, but I can dream. Instead, I practice mindfulness, I write and I introspect on the nature of my inner world. This is all helping, and despite the contents of this post, I am in a significantly better place than I have been in the past. I am not longer suicidal and it has been a long-time since a bout of self-harm.
I share all this with you for two reasons.
The first is to connect with a shared experience. I want to know that I am not alone with this. That my social, work, and personal life is impacted in a way that is similar to others. That way I will at least know that I am not just a weak person or some kind of freak.
Secondly, I hope to use this post as a tool to help explain to those people who will inevitably become impacted by my triggered responses in the future.
So, if you are reading this, please know that I am sorry for withdrawing/acting as I did. I may have said things in the heat of the moment that could be taken as rude, direct or simply odd. I assure you that when I am in a better mental state I will attempt to clarify what happened and why I said what I said.
Because the reality is that when triggered, it is like I am in some way reliving my past trauma. At its worst, my mind is no longer present. Instead it is being bombarded with the pain of the past, and as such, I simply want to escape to a safe place.
I want to let you know that I know it was not you, or at least I know it was not your intention to trigger me. My response is due to past trauma, something that you have no ability to impact and were not the cause of.
Still, I may withdraw.
Perhaps it will be for an hour, or perhaps it will be for weeks or months. In that time, I may have some good days, but that does not necessarily mean I am now ‘better’. I may take a sudden turn for the worse.
I may be good in some contexts, and completely non-functional in others. Please do not try to see or point out the apparent logical hypocrisy of this.
Perhaps I am coming good. Or perhaps I am doing some self-care. Or maybe I am gritting through a social obligation with the knowledge that it will cost me later.
I want you to know that I am vulnerable. To expectations, social pressures, aggression, and accusations. Small requests may freak me out in such a way that seems (and is) out of proportion to that request.
I will struggle with tone, sarcasm, and hinting.
I ask that you give me some time. That you let me know you care. That you see that I am struggling. And that you do not put a time frame upon my recovery.
Healing takes as long as it takes. And I want you to know that I am now and will always be seeking professional help, alongside daily self-care, and continual reading of topical books.
Finally, I want you to know that I am sorry. And that if I could, I would not be like this. It is not a choice for me. And whilst my wounds are not visible, they are nonetheless very real.