What Anxiety Really Feels Like: Unable to move on. Unable to work. Unable to relax. Unable to let it go.

I just woke up and the anxiety was upon me. It only took nine minutes.

Nine minutes before I began to dwell on an upcoming social obligation. Oscillating between deciding to go and hating it, or decided to bail and letting everyone down.

I should delay the decision, or just make the decision now. If I could, I would. Doing so would put the question out of mind, and therefore I would be able to continue with my day in peace. But unfortunately, that is not an option.

I will keep thinking on it. I will keep ruminating on it. I’ll keep worrying about it. I’ll keep playing out the endless futures.

Talking can help. Sometimes the problem is more logical then mental. In those times discussing it, breaking down the options, and having a sympathetic ear to listen, works. But this time is not one of those times.

I have thought about the situation before and discussed it thoroughly. It doesn’t help much or for long.

I have an obligation imposed upon me for tonight. It is something I usually enjoy doing. But due to a collection of reasons that are out of my control (COVID restrictions), for the next few months at least, I am pressured into either:

1: attending multiple times a week - on going.
2: not attending at all - until normality returns.

The pressure to attend, aka being ‘forced’ screws with my mind. I dwell on it. I had nine minutes of freedom, and then I realised I had to go tonight, and now I am anxious about it.

So, I start priming myself. Psyching myself up. Planning my day. But it’s all too much.

The natural counter, given from well-meaning people, from all those conversations, is the suggestion for me to simply not go, ‘If it is stressing you so much, is it even worth it?’

At this stage I don’t know. Because going has its benefits as well. When I am there, I enjoy it; when I am not totally overwhelmed by a preceding day of anxious rumination about going of course.

This activity helps me recover from past trauma. It is healing. It is fun. There are many nice people there.

So, I feel trapped and my anxiety plays off that trap. I find myself bouncing between decisions for the entire day. Unable to move on. Unable to work. Unable to relax. Unable to let it go.

On the balance, I am not sure if it’s worth all this.

If I could just ‘stop thinking about it’ it would all be fine. Because it really is me, causing myself, all this suffering. Easy to say, impossible to do.

Just because I know it’s all in my head, doesn’t make it go away. My mind seems naturally geared to break things down, to think about the meta implications, to go deep, and to dissect the nuances.

Great for writing pieces like this one. Terrible for an anxiety free mind.

So, what stops my anxiety? Losing myself in an activity; like writing, exercising, playing with my kids, and yes of course, tonight’s activity.

What a trap.

Getting meta here for a moment: I’d really like to continue writing this piece. To keep breaking down the minutiae of my own anxiety. Discussing the interplay between it and other aspects of my life, but that would just amount to therapy for me, and a diminished reading experience for you.

The thing is, even writing about my anxious experiences - like the anxiety that only took nine minutes to come this morning - itself helps allay the anxiety for a while at least.

Thus, I am woe to stop writing. I wonder how long it will take the anxiety to return.

If you want more information on how I manage my anxiety, check out ‘How To Get Your Sh!t Together’. It’s out now, online, for free.