What Is The Difference Between Pain And Suffering?
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I am the cause of most of my suffering. Me. Not the past trauma, not the lingering mental health issues, not the state of the world, not my bank account, and not the health of my body. But me, or more specifically, my response to all those things. I have learnt that suffering is the difference between expectations and reality – and that your happiness is proportional to how much you accept that fact.
Let me explain.
Life will never be perfect - there is constant change, constant demands, needs to be fulfilled and wants to be satiated, relationships to maintain and limited resources to manage all balanced against a backdrop of random acts of nature, continual technological improvements and the interconnected mega society that we live in but have no control over.
There is simply so much going on inside your body, your immediate surroundings and the world at large to be able to control – thus what you want and what you expect will always be at odds with reality.
This will cause friction, and that friction will cause suffering.
You may expect to have more money and will suffer because of that expectation every time you look at your bank account. You may want to weigh less and will suffer because of that expectation every time you jump on the scales. Life gives pain, I add the suffering.
The difference between pain and suffering comes down to a difference between expectations and reality as well as your ability to accept what is arising in the moment versus what you worry will continue to arise.
The moment I break my arm I am instantly catapulted into a world of suffering – yes my body will be screaming as my nerve endings are firing, but the real suffering goes much deeper and hurts much more.
I will begin to realise that what I wanted and expected from the rest of that day, and indeed the rest of my immediate future will be altered. The breaking of my arm will have real world impacts and implications on my life – I will no longer be able to do what I usually do and will have to make changes.
Friction.
Yet, the moment that I accept those changes, the moment I acknowledge my new reality and accept it, most all that pain goes away. I am still suffering physically, but I am no longer adding to that burden mentally.
The Second Arrow
There is a concept in Buddhism known as ‘the second arrow’. Life will give you ‘first arrows’ - real world pains and losses that hurt, but our internal response to those first arrows often hurt us more. We worry, we fret, we lament, we ruminate, we debate in our heads, we say over and over and over again ‘if only’ and ‘why me?’ all of this is the second arrow, and all of it is largely avoidable, if we learn to accept.
To be clear, I don’t want to break my arm, nor suffer any other first arrow – but my desire has nothing to do with my reality. In fact an unchecked desire will cause more suffering as what I want and expect to be happening will conflict with what is actually happening.
Choose Your Attitude
The good news is that despite it all, happiness is closer than you think. If you can learn to accept your reality, as it is, for what it is, right now most of your suffering disappears – at least the second arrows. You can choose your attitude
‘Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’ – Viktor Frankl
That quote was given as a response to the tremendous torture, degradation and complete lack of humanity found in the concentration camps. Frankl, despite it all, found a way to accept his situation. What was happening was happening, and he was free to choose how he responded to it.
No amount of wishful thinking, prayer, or indignation at the difference between the expectation he had for live versus his reality would change anything tangible. No, all he could do was accept and choose his own internal response to the horrors he found himself in.
His book, Man’s Search For Meaning, is a testament to this choice and as he suggests, it was this choice that helped him survive when many others simply couldn’t.
Heavy yes, but nonetheless insightful and applicable to our lives.
I Am Free
Hopefully you and I never have to face such challenges, yet what we do face will cause suffering to arise none the less. If we can learn to accept the difference between our expectations and reality our suffering will reduce. I am free, and so are you.
We will be able to see clearer and act accordingly – and importantly, we won’t be dwelling in the pain of the second arrow, the pain of what could have been.
