Why ‘No.’ Is The Most Important Sentence. Ever.

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Learn How To Say No
- Ch: 3.3 of How To Get Your Sh!t Together -

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho

Trauma causes psychological hang-ups that need to be worked through. Certain situations may be triggering. Specific requests can cause tremendous levels of stress. There may be unexplainable difficulties in performing some basic tasks that others people have no problem with.

These circumstances can occur at any time, so it is vital that we develop the tools to handle them appropriately. Over time and with therapy, counselling, meditation and self-reflection, many of these hang-ups can and should be addressed. But in the moment, when you need to stay functional, or when you are struggling simply to cope, saying ‘no’ to a request is a must have skill.

By saying no to some things, you are free to say yes to others.

One of the more challenging aspects of my past was the neglect. Unlike other forms of abuse, the emotional and physical neglect constitute a lack of something. It involves not being cared for, spoken to, engaged with, or acknowledged for extended periods of time.

Neglect left me with deficiencies in attention and love. I was always striving for some kind of acknowledgement. So when others, particularly adults, requested something from me, I was very willing to comply as it meant that I would receive the praise and attention that I so desired.

Unfortunately those desires often outweighed my feelings about the requests themselves. This resulted in me saying yes to things that I actually didn’t like, didn’t really want to do, to even agreeing to do things I didn’t know how to do. Unsurprisingly this all lead to increased levels of mental affliction.

Fast forward to today, and I am still struggling with this issue. Developing the traits of self-confidence, self-determination and self-efficacy is something that I have only recently started to grasp. When something is requested of me, I still feel an obligation and a desire to say yes, even when it is in no one’s best interest for me to do so.

I have found myself doing things that I don’t enjoy, for people that I don’t really like, based off my inability to first recognise what I truly want and then to have the courage to state it.

I now know that it is okay to say no to anything I don’t want to do.

It is important to realise that people will ask (or even demand) a variety of things from you each day. Most people act in their own best interests, and while some will care enough to take your desires into account, they cannot read your mind. So when a request is made of you that you are not comfortable with, it is vital that you learn to say no. This applies in all areas of life, from family, to friendships and into the workplace.

Saying no is a double edged sword. It will help bring you closer to your true nature. You will find people who you really appreciate, and activities that you truly enjoy performing. However it will also drive some people away, and potentially cause significant life changes.

Once you start saying no, you are taking steps towards a life that is closer to one you will be happier with. In this new life, some of the people you currently surround yourself with simply won’t fit. This isn’t because they are inherently bad, immoral or unlikable, rather it is because their interests no longer align with your new interests.

Forcing a relationship between two incompatible parties always leads to dissatisfaction.

It is okay for relationships to grow stronger or weaker over time. As people change, their relationships should as well. The flip side to this is that new people will enter your life, enabling you to create deep relationships that wouldn’t be possible if you continued to say yes, when you really should have said no.

Saying no has been one of the more freeing things in my adulthood. It has caused me to change careers, meet new people and start new hobbies. It has cleared up a bunch of time, and more importantly mental space, which I can now dedicate towards the projects that I truly value (like writing this book for example).

I realised that I was holding onto old friendships in which neither party was truly happy. We were simply no longer compatible. Catching up with these people inevitably resulted in me doing the activities of my past, things I no longer enjoyed and no longer wanted to do any more. Yet out of obligation and an inability to say no I would do them, only to quickly regret my choices and berate myself for my weakness.

Over time, I chose to let these relationships go. I realised that sacrificing myself to maintain a friendship simply isn’t worth it. Putting on an act to enjoy somebody’s company is not sustainable into the long run. It is better to say no, suggest a more desirable alternative and keep the friends who agree with who you truly are as opposed to the act.

The more you act like yourself, the more you will make new friends, ones who have values, interests and desires that are closely aligned with your own.

 “No is a complete sentence” – Anne Lamott

How To Say No

Technically, you shouldn’t need to justify why you are saying no. ‘No’ should be enough. If you overtly express your desire, if you vocalise ‘no’ and are still being pushed, it is time to leave the situation and seriously reconsider your relationship with that person.

“No, I don’t want to do that.”

In reality, such a direct approach to saying no will certainly work, but it is very confrontational. Some extreme situations certainly warrant that approach, but in general I prefer to be a bit more tactful with my ‘no’. I will often give a few of the reasons for why I am choosing to decline an offer as I have found that if I explain why, people are very understanding.

My level of explanation will of course vary given the context, people involved and my mental state. In the following examples I go into a lot of depth, however in practice I would specifically choose what to say based on the above mentioned factors.

“Sorry, I can’t come out drinking. Although it is enjoyable at the time, I always regret it in the morning. I get hungover, and my mental health is significantly impacted. I am just not that into it anymore. I know I used to go hard, but that’s just not me anymore.”

“I think I will skip dessert today. Do you know how long I would have to be in the gym to work that off? It just doesn’t fit my diet unfortunately. I know just one piece wouldn’t kill me, but it would make me crave sugar for the next week, something that I would prefer to avoid.”

“No thanks, I don’t really want to go out to that restaurant. I always have an upset stomach after that kind of food, I would much prefer to go to a this other kind of restaurant, I know of a great one that we could try.”

“Sorry, I just can’t help you on such short notice. I have already made plans that I can’t easily change. If you still need me, perhaps I could help next Thursday?”

“No sorry, I can’t lend it to you. I know it will only be for a short while, but unfortunately I need to use it for myself.”

 Saying No In The Workplace

The workplace relationship is unique as you are required to perform particular tasks in exchange for money. This can cause the worker to feel pressured into performing things that they may not have otherwise been comfortable performing.

Some jobs are better than others of course, and if you are not happy where you currently are working, take action to either improve the workplace or find a new one.

Your situation will not change on its own accord.

I have said no to working in organisations that I was not comfortable with. Sometimes this was due to bad managers, other times terrible conditions, or even due to the nature of the work itself. At the time, I did suffer from a deficiency of money and an amount of uncertainty, but it lead me towards better places in the end. The sooner I made the choice to quit, the better for my mental state.

However it is vital to learn to say no, even if you are in a good workplace. If your boss gives you a position that you are not ready for, your stress levels will rise and your job satisfaction will decrease. What’s more, you may end up performing poorly.

Most bosses want people performing at their strengths. If you are great at customer service, but terrible at numbers, the tasks that you should perform are obviously not in the financial department.

If you said yes to that position, you would be doing a disservice to both yourself and your workplace. A far better approach would be to decline the offer and suggest somebody more in line with the requirements needed. While this may seem counterintuitive from a career perspective, it makes long term sense. You are acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses, while suggesting someone else that could perform far better than you in the new position. This shows extreme loyalty to the company as well as a long term outlook. You are choosing what is best for all involved, rather than risking your own poor performance. Be assured that the next time a position arises that you are more suited for, it will likely come your way.

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TAKE ACTION

Say “No” to a request at least once this week.

Practicing saying no is a skill that that you need to work on and develop over time. Start small and work your way up to the bigger things. Say no again next week, the week after and the week after that. Observe your mental state and the impact that saying no is having on your life.

Are you liking the results?

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Realisations Gained From Saying No

The more that I say no, the more the following things become clear to me:

1) If I say no, and people don’t like me because of it, they may be using me or else are not in sync with who I really am anyway.

2) Friendships are about more than just doing things for each other. They are about shared experiences, trust and connection.

3) If I agree to do too much for other people I run the risk of burning out and will have little time or energy left over for me.

4) If I only say yes to the things that I value, I will be excited by them and I will do a better job completing them.

5) If I honestly explain why I am saying no to a request, then people will either accept me and understand, or they won’t. This gives me insights to the possible future of our relationships.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q) What is the line between saying no and living with other people in harmony? Isn’t life about compromise?

A) The line is where you set it. You are right, there is a lot of compromise that needs to be made to maintain relationships. By saying no, I am not saying to say no to everything, just to say no to some things.

If you say no when it counts, to things that matter, then you will be ensuring that your life is heading in the direction that you want it to be. If the decision really doesn’t matter other than personal preferences, than yes you should compromise. But if it goes against a core value, say no.

What other option do you really have?

Resources
No More Mr Nice Guy, Robert A Glover

Summary
Say no to requests that don’t align with your goals and values. This will free up your time and energy to focus on what matters most to you.