Deconstructing My Social Anxiety - Notes From Therapy, Part 1
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During therapy, I take notes.
I write down what was discussed, and any advice given. I do not want to leave the session and forget what was covered. I am paying for it after all, with my time, money, and mental state.
In my experience, therapy is tremendously healing over the long term, but there is always that post session downturn. I get tired, moody, and feel tremendously vulnerable. As such I want that pain to pay dividends.
The notes I take act as a memory cue, one that I can look back upon and implement into my life.
I share them in the hopes that they can highlight the potential positive impact that a good therapy session can have.
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06/04/2021: Tuesday, 10:15-11:15
We discussed a collection of symptoms and issues that I would like help addressing:
1) The desire to end conversations quickly, even if I know that they are ‘going well’.
2) The desire to ‘fix’ people’s problems, even though I know doing so will cost me.
3) An inability to sit with ambiguity, or another person’s displeasure with me. This could be implied through a look, tone, word choice, or be explicitly stated by them.
4) Emotionally registering both small and major issues as the same level of importance, despite logically seeing a difference between them.
5) All of this causing me intense levels of distress, which is subsequently impacting what I hold most valuable: my family, my mental state, and my writing.
My psychologist suggest that combined (and when added to information from our previous sessions), these symptoms all seem to indicate social anxiety.
We discussed what this meant, my goals, as well as some potential coping strategies that I could implement so that I do not get so ‘trapped’ by the emotionality of those around me.
When I notice a potential issue arising, or that familiar sinking feeling, I am to put my emotional needs first, and gently excuse myself from the situation when needed, then implement the following process:
1) Calm the body through breathwork. A calm body helps the mind to be calm as well. I am to take slow, deep, and calm breaths.
2) Become mindful. I am to mindfully observe the physical feelings that are arising in me, and then give them an emotional label, for example ‘fear’.
3) Acknowledge reality. I then need to acknowledge the fact that I may have let someone down, or that I have negatively impacted another person. But also acknowledge that this is a normal and unavoidable aspect of human interactions; you cannot make everyone happy all the time, and if you do, you will not be happy.
4) Link my feelings to my past. It is likely that what I am feeling now has tendrils connecting it to my traumatic childhood. I am triggering the mental state of a scared child struggling to navigate the emotions of the adults around him.
5) Comfort myself. I need to acknowledge that I am now a strong, self sufficient and capable adult, and no longer a vulnerable and powerless child. Then I am to comfort my past self, ‘It’s okay, I am safe…’
6) Repeat. Every time a ‘wave’ of emotionality comes, I am to repeat the above process.
Session ended with a discussion highlighting that process is just the tip of iceberg in terms of treating social anxiety, and that healing may be painful, but it is possible if you put in the work.
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After this session I felt optimistic. I now have a plan to manage those strong emotions and am understanding that the emotions of other people are theirs to deal with. I am not their therapist and should not act as such, nor should I feel obliged to act as such, no matter the nature of our relationship.
Although I may be impacted by another’s emotions in an extreme way, that is a symptom of a larger problem. Scurrying to ‘fix’ another’s issues is not addressing the real problem – my overreactive response to emotionality.
I hope that the next time I am confronted by someone’s emotionality, tears, anger, or disappointment towards me, that I will be better able to excuse myself from the situation and implement the intervention above.
Let’s see.