Why Porn Is Cheating, But Sex With A Side Piece Isn't

Fallacious title, but go with me for a moment. What does it mean to ‘cheat’ on your partner? Can you actually define where that line is, or is there some ambiguous knowing that will occur that will somehow inform you when it happens?

Let me ask you some questions (bonus points if you ask your partner and see their responses).

What does cheating mean for you? Is it sex? Genital touching? What about kissing? What about ‘non-erotic’ touch? What if the touch occurs as a part of your job? How about a conversation? If so, how long or intimate? Is it cheating if you have a meal together, or go to a movie, or dancing, or stay the night? What about watching porn? What if it’s with a stranger, for just one night? What if it’s friend of colleague? Or a sex worker? Or if you are out of town? What about if it’s only digital and your just sending and receiving fun pictures? Is it attraction to someone? For all of the prior questions, does the gender of the person matter? Does sobriety or lack of matter? If so, how much and what kind?

I could go on, but you get the point.

Cheating is anything that falls outside the defined boundaries of the relationship. So what you consider cheating will be different to me, but hopefully not different to your partner. Communication is key.

If you aren’t clear where the line is, you can be certain your partner isn’t. This is a critical weakness that could accidentally destroy your relationship - an innocent mistake by one could be considered cheating by the other.

It isn’t obvious where the line is either. It may be clear that sex is crossing it, but there are grey areas where it is harder to know. Do yourself and your partner a favour and have the awkward conversation. Sit down and talk it out. Hear what they have to say and negotiate your line. Be willing to compromise and consider their world view, personality, hobbies, work, upbringing and belief system.

Once you’ve had the conversation three things happen.

1: you both know exactly what you consider cheating, and thus can bask in the confidence that clarity brings.

2: your relationship will be stronger for it. The depth of your relationship is defined by your willingness to have awkward the conversations.

3: you will not be at the whims of emotionality. It’s easy to judge ambiguity negatively when you are in a bad mood. Consider the questions at the start of this post. If your mood was not pristine, there is a potential that the ambiguous line would shift - which is unfair to both of you.

I’ve had this conversation with my partner, and our line is quite liberal. We are open/polyamorous, so we are okay with each other exploring relationships with other people, to any level of intimacy; sexual, personal, intellectual or intimate.

Our line comes in the from honesty and openness.

We need to be able to talk with one another about what we are doing with others - not holding things back.

For us, deceit is cheating. A lack of honesty is cheating. Behaviours/people that risk the sanctity our relationship is cheating (some people have ill intent/red flags/toxic and want to break up relationships - thus we do our best to avoid them).

We have spent the time having the conversation and it has helped us tremendously - we know where our line is and we are closer because our ability to have the discussion. We are now freer to explore connections with others. I want that for you.

Have the conversation with your partner. Show them this post. Define what cheating is for you.

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