Stop Kink Shaming Yourself - Your Kinks Are Valid. Yes, Even ‘That’ Kink..

There are certain activities that get me going. Certain situations, objects, places, and parts that really take sex to the next level. Don’t get me wrong, vanilla ice-cream is tasty, but sometimes I need to add some sprinkles and hot fudge sauce to enjoy my banana split sundae.

 Am I kinky though?

Kinky

/ˈkɪŋki/
Adjetcive

1.       involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour.
2.       (of clothing) sexually provocative in an unusual way.

Despite having a book, podacst, course, and Instagram page with the work ‘kink’ in the title, I am not convinced that that word has any valid meaning whatsoever (hyperbole of course but go with me on this).

Because what can really be considered ‘unusual’? Where does the line between ‘vanilla’ and ‘kinky’ fit?

Is penetration kinky? What about anal or oral? What about doing things outside? Or focusing on boobs, butt, legs, chest, beards, or any other body part? What about the use of toys? If so, which toys? Is filming ourselves kinky? What about watching it together? What shout alone? What about sexting? What about talking dirty? How about role playing? Is some role-playing vanilla and some not? What if we watch porn together. What if we bring food into the bedroom? Or we invite a third person in? What about the gender and sexuality mix? What about race and religious mixing? What about age differences? What difference is ‘normal’ and what is beyond?

The point I am trying to make is that all people play differently. Even those who don’t identify as ‘kinky’ and who the mainstream would consider ‘normal’ or ‘vanilla’.

If you look at the above list and enjoy a third of these activities, you could easily say that those activities are ‘normal’ and the others are kinky - because to you, the acts you do fall into the normality spectrum because of the fact you do them.

Alternatively, you could look at the above list, realise that you like a third of those activities and shame yourself or identity as kinky because they seem to fall outside of what is considered normality spectrum.

Which way you fall largely depends on how you view your place in society, the overall positivity of your inner dialogue, and the people you associate with.

Like mental illness there is a lot of shame around sex. Why? Because it is a personal and internal thing. Something that ‘we just don’t talk about’ because it’s intimate and embarrassing, or socially inappropriate for the context.

Problem is that there aren’t many contexts where it is appropriate to discuss it. Certain friendship groups are ‘open’ but most aren’t. Parents, schools, and institutions often fail or don’t even attempt to open the dialogue in any kind of meaningful way.

Thus, we learn in bits and pieces. Scraps of conversations overheard. Forgotten message board threads. Boasting piers. Stigmatised textbooks. Porn. How easy is it to ‘learn’ from the only open and accessible space. From the solitude (read safety) of our devices we search. We look. We listen. And we get aroused. But because we are doing it in secret. Hiding in our rooms, toilets, or cars to quickly get off on what we like, we associate what we like with that hiding and secrecy. We associate our kinks with shame.

Then, if we are lucky enough to find someone to play intimately with, it takes a long time to open up enough to be able to share what we want, because hey, we KNOW that what we want is shameful. We have made that neuronal connection clear.

But, if you find people who like what you like (or at least accept it), online spaces, communities, podcasts, and books. Or communities and groups in real life, then you start to accept that what you like is normal.

You see other people doing what you desire - or doing things you never even considered. Then, at some point, you turn the camera inwards and apply it to yourself. You begin owning your kink. Wearing it with pride. Sharing it. Playing with it. Exploring it. Loving it. You embrace it as a part of yourself and begin ordering the banana Split Sunday, with all of the toppings. And you also try what other people are eating.

Tangential story, I posted this picture on social, and a community member asked me if I had kids or littles.

I looked closely and recognised that the toys in the background, the ones I have for my toddler, could easily be used by a little.

I share this with you for a few reasons. Firstly, I love that this person felt comfortable enough within themselves and with me to ask. It was brave, because it could have easily resulted in shaming had I not been open to kinks and alternative lifestyles.

No, I don’t have any littles, never have. But I accept those who are. And for those playing at home, I am aware of the difference between age play and littles. The former is sexual, whereas the latter is more akin to identification and safely exploring and healing.

Nonetheless, I use the example here because the wider community lumps both groups together due to ignorance, and unfairly judges both without understanding that what those people like could just as easily be judged.

Perhaps an analogy would help to elucidate the situation. I was a teen in the early 2000’s. Back then, at least where I grew up, it was ‘cool’ to like sports, and ‘nerdy’ to like comic books.

If you knew all the teams and the stats and the rules, you were top of the pile. If you knew the villains, alternative plot lines and obscure references, you were at the bottom. Flash forward 20+ years and the tables have turned, or at least balanced out. Superheroes are certainly considered mainstream.

Trends change. What is normal changes. What is culturally significant changes. See where I am going with this? Perhaps you are kinky, or perhaps you are just ahead of your time. Had sex before marriage? Slept with one or more partners? Had oral? Wear lingerie? All of that is considered normal now, but tremendously scandalous not that long ago.

It is time we stop kink shaming ourselves.

Often we allow the unspoken narratives of our collective past to whisper insults and derision into our minds. We find ourselves oscillating between what we desire and what we think we should be desiring - or worse still, deriding ourselves for desiring in the first place.

Fact is, you see the world from a limited and biased perspective (your own). You are forced to listen to the voices in your head, whilst only seeing what others choose to show you. Thus, you will forever be exposed to the narratives of the past.

They warn you that, if you want to fit in, you need to confirm. They remind you that to confirm, you need to clean up the edges of your personality, hide some of your oddities, and twist some of your expressions.

This part of you is a protector, it kept you safe as a child and at high school with such advice, so it is offering it up again to you, once again. Only this time, it has proof that it works.

Only this time however, it is wrong. You are an adult. You are safe. You have agency. You have wisdom. And from this new place of maturity and insight you can make choices that more align with who and what you are - not what the amorphous collective dictates that you should be.

Now you can read articles like this, you can reach out and connect with myself and others in the community. You can find people into what you are into. You can explore, digitally or in person. You can educate yourself.

You can rewire the narratives of your past and thus embrace the future with open arms. You can embrace your kinks with open arms. The first step is self-acceptance. I like some weird things. Weird and wonderful and oh so uniquely my own. Sometimes I get to share those interest with a fellow weirdo and together we explore and play.

The more I accept myself, the more I explore, the more I connect, the less weird those things become. I start surrounding myself with like people and the weird becomes the normal - and I am better because of it.

Not just sexually, but in all things.

I accept you. I accept your kinks, your sexuality, your hobbies, your family structure, your spirituality, your work. Why? Because I realise that you are just as unique as I am, and that is something to be celebrated.

So please, stop kink shaming yourself. But stop shaming yourself in general - for anything. Find your truth, embrace it, and start living it.

I write erotic poetry and fiction, check it out on my substack!