If you share your mental illness with someone, you are asking them to imagine a condition they can only read about and can’t experience.

Really you are asking them to change the lens that they view the world by. To overlay upon their reality, one of your condition. They have to put that lens over every situation that they have ever lived through, every action both minor and major, every interpersonal interaction, as well as over their hopes and plans for the future.

"It was like releasing water through a dam. It felt like if I didn’t cut, that my mind would crack, with devastating results ..."

A traumatic past left me with anxiety and depression issues as well as a significant amount of pent up rage. With no guidance of how to deal with it, I turned to punching a bag for relief. Luckily for me it started to work, and I fell in love with martial arts.

Eventually I came across BJJ and I was hooked - the social atmosphere, constant learning, physicality and the practicality in a self defence situation all combined to be one of the best treatments for my mental health issues...

It is 4am as I write this, I am slightly inebriated and my brain is buzzing. I have been up all night writing and I am still going. I can’t stop.

I must keep writing. When I get on a roll I can’t help it. Something comes over me and I must get it out. It is an affliction. This has happened before and will happen again...

In the months leading up the birth of my first child, I noticed something strange occurring. Almost everyone that I told the news to had the same reaction. First, they congratulated me, then they proceeded to tell me endless stories of the horrors of childbirth and fatherhood.

They would share tales of sleepless nights, never ending inconsolable crying and the mountains upon mountains of poo that regularly explodes out of nappies. 

All of this combined in my mind to create a storm of anxious rumination. As the pregnancy progressed, my mental health steadily declined. I would bounce between dissociation and anxiety with a dash of regret thrown in there.

This is the post that I wish was available to me during that time.

Reflecting on my experiences with anxiety leaves me with a one sentence, anxiety killing mantra:

“Anxiety is a liar and it’s taking up too much of my life”.

I want to prove it to you. Consider the following questions:

- When has it ever been as bad as you thought it was going to be?
-How many times have you worried about something that just has never occurred?
-How many anxious thoughts do you have about one thing - could each possible outcome come true?
-How many times were you anxious before an event, only to be completely fine during the event?

"People often excuse a behaviour if there are extenuating circumstances.

We tend to forgive, downplay or simply ignore it, because we realise that the person doing the behaviour is going through something significant and therefore are ‘not themselves’ at the moment..."

"It is very hard to un-hear something. Once you have been exposed to an idea, it is impossible to remove the stain of that idea out of your consciousness. 

You can try and counter it, to disprove it, to ignore it or to fill your mind with other thoughts. Regardless, once it is in, it is there forever. Whether or not you asked to have that piece of information is irrelevant..."