Fitting In
/
- A chapter from Under the Influence, Reclaiming my Childhood -
Attachment theory proposes that the relationship that forms between a parent and a child can significantly influence the dynamics of that child’s long term interpersonal relationships. The infant’s ability to develop trust in their caregivers will influence their relationships for the rest of their life.
Attachment theory further suggests that how an infant is raised will actually change the internal narrative of the child, the way they look at, judge and observe the world. This carries on into adulthood and will colour every interaction and event. How they view connection, love, and life are all skewed based on the narrator that lives within.
So it follows that if an infant grew up with parents who were emotionally available, perceptive and responsive to the infant’s needs then in adulthood, that person is more likely to be responsive, emotionally available and perceptive to the needs of others. People with this kind of disposition and upbringing are ‘securely attached’.
The homes of insecurely attached infants typically consist of unresponsive, rejecting, inconsistent, pre-occupied parents that are un-attuned to the needs of the infant. Physical, sexual and drug abuse are also often present. Whilst not guaranteed, insecure infants typically become insecure adults. They struggle to form healthy relationships with others and are often sceptical about the motives and actions of the people they meet – trust is a rare commodity for these people.
Clearly, I was not securely attached. Without getting an expert assessment, it is hard to pin down exactly what kind of attachment I had to my father and how that impacted me. But given Dad’s continuous afflictions with drugs, his disorganised personal life, the constantly dangerous social situation of his home and his avoidant and distant demeanour, it is not a stretch to presume that I fit somewhere in the ‘insecure’ attachment side of things.
Throughout my entire life I have always felt ‘outside the group’. Never quite fitting in with what the guys are doing, never quite understanding how to act in social situations. This isn’t to say that I was unpopular or didn’t have friends, on the contrary, I have always found it easy to ‘make friends’. Rather, I find that I often have the feeling of being a fraud, of acting rather than doing, and that they will one day discover my act and I will be ousted.
I’m sure that everybody puts on a show at some stage of their lives in order to fit in or learn the ropes in a new situation. When you meet a new group of people or start a new hobby, you have to learn the group norms, language and mannerisms. You do your best to fit in, even when you don’t fully understand exactly what is being done or why. Eventually, given enough time, you too become part of the in-group and it becomes seamless. You are no longer acting as you have now assimilated into the group. Perhaps your presence even shifts the group slightly in a new and exciting direction.
The problem I face is that this process takes a long time and only rarely occurs. No matter the length of time I spend with people, I always have it in the back of my mind that they will see me for what I am. It is hard to maintain an act and eventually I will come undone. I find it hard to just let go and be myself around people. I suppose this leads to a much larger question of what it means to ‘be yourself’.
Looking at others, I often see what seems to be people with a very strong understanding of who they are and what they stand for. Strong in their convictions, they seem to have it worked out. Their personality, dress sense, behaviour and aspirations all seem to be consistent. They are who they are and they know it. I don’t have that; I feel like I am constantly bouncing between different versions of ‘me’. I have never really felt at home in my mind or body, and despite wearing things that I think look good on me, I don’t yet have a defined style. Trying to fit with in with a certain look just makes me feel like I’m going to a dress up party.
I will act differently around separate groups of people, sometimes I am strong and confident and other times I am weak and feeble. Often I am humorous and the life of the party, but just as much I am stoic or depressed in the corner. I feel like a defective chameleon, changing to fit in and often failing. The real problem is that I have no way of knowing if this is normal. I only see what they want to show me in that instant. Perhaps they too have the same internal dialogue, questioning and believing themselves to be acting or fraudulent.
I was once told not to be so hard on myself in this regard, because I am comparing my whole life, internal dialogue and mood to what I perceive of them in that instant. My internal world will affect both how I judge them and how I am judging myself. This thought was comforting until I realised it means that I can’t even objectively judge people against myself. So here I am, left wondering about my place in society. Questioning how I got here and why I feel the way I do. I’m not sure if it is normal to ruminate this much, but I have a feeling that most people can let go of these thoughts a lot easier then I can. It is hard to have these kinds of discussions with people. Most can’t empathise with the severity that these thoughts impact my mental state. When I open up I often get a variation of the following:
“Why don’t you just focus on the important things?”, “You think too much”, “Why don’t you just move on”, “You are a great person, you just need to see that.”
Whilst well intentioned and logical, these answers don’t really help.
It seems like people just go about their lives blessed with an innate level of self-confidence that simply enables them to act without any rumination. Or perhaps they don’t consider their place in society or family, never wondering about their role in life. Who am I is a question that seems highly important for me to answer, yet most people never ask the question, or perhaps they are just more proficient in answering it. Either way, I would love this to be a non-issue in my life.
Even if people do have this discussion with me, I am left questioning their motives and what they are saying. Are they just acting to fit in with the conversation? What do they want? Are they just placating me out of concern? Do they actually understand? I am not even sure if I understand. In fact, I know I don’t understand myself. Which makes me wonder; if I don’t have a base of myself to understand from, how can I possibly attempt to understand anyone else? It feels like I’m trying to tread water whilst also holding somebody above my head. Eventually I’ll just end up drowning.
One of the key facets of attachment theory is trust. Trust between people is vital for the development of any relationship. Depending on the upbringing of a child, they may struggle to develop trusting relationships into adulthood. From personal experience I can definitely vouch for that. Until recently, my natural inclination was one of skepticism, doubt and rejection.
I am not sure why this is the case. Objectively, I have every reason to trust these people, they have never wronged me and are always there when needed. Still, my initial reaction is one of mistrust and it takes a lot to overcome these feelings. I am still surprised when long-time friends offer me help and assistance, or even simply pay for a coffee.
I feel like I am merely a product of my past. I could never really trust in my dad for anything. He was completely unreliable, dishevelled and often stoned out of his mind. I can’t remember much of my childhood, or how he treated me as an infant. But judging by the way drug effected people raise children, it wouldn’t be hard to imagine that I had faced a similar fate. If there is a choice between drugs and children, sadly, the drugs often win. This lack of attention, love and support significantly and irreparably shattered my confidence in people as well as worked to undermine my sense of self. Self-discovery is a slow and arduous process filled with question marks and no sign posts to guide the way.
However, it is not all bad. Coming from such a low place, over the years I have been forced to develop coping mechanisms, strategies and activities to try and help myself. I have tried numerous activities, tweaking and refining them as I go. Of these, the most beneficial include regular open and honest discussions with a variety of people, undertaking a dedicated martial arts practice as well as avidly reading.
Growing up, I always guarded my true emotions and feelings, so much so that I felt like I was lost, even to myself. As such, conversations were often of a very shallow and impersonal nature. It was so extreme that I often complained of physical pressure or even pain when I attempted to talk. I would feel physically bound, like there was a vice secured around my head that would tighten with each attempt at talking. However, as time went on, I found that being open and honest with the people close to me allowed some of that pressure to dissipate. Initially, that often meant repeatedly explaining to the person that I simply couldn’t answer their questions because of an internal block. Over time I found that I was able to dig deeper into myself and let it out.
This process has a profound impact upon me and its benefits are twofold. Firstly, and most significantly, this sort of discussion based introspection enables me to better understand myself and thus function more optimally. I liken this process to driving a new car, the more you explore the features the better able you are to drive it.
Secondly, it enables others a deeper insight into my mental state and mind. They may not fully understand me or my situation, but they are at least moving a step closer. These deeper relationships are quite rewarding in their own right and the support and understanding gained by simply letting people in cannot be understated. It is always an internal battle to show weakness or ask for help, but provided it is with a trusted friend or family member, I am always grateful for having done so.
I have also found that complete immersion into a hobby can be an excellent way to let go of internal troubles and move towards healing. My personal favourite is martial arts. I have tried a variety of styles over the years, but I am particularly fond of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It is quite technical, but also allows for hard sparring as well as competitions. The style is constantly evolving, so no matter how much you practice, you can never learn it all. In addition to the benefits of exercise like serotonin release, fitness and overall physical health, martial arts is a community. I have developed strong bonds of friendship and deep connections with my training partners.
More importantly, focusing on something external that involves a combination of physicality and deep level problem solving, coupled with a never ending progression, is a great way to quiet a busy mind. After a session the world seems brighter, colours are more vivid and sounds are crisper. At this stage, I am well beyond a level required for simple self-defence purposes, so training as much as I do has no practical value other than the benefits to my mental, physical and social health.
Finally, in my opinion, reading is possibly the most valuable activity that anyone could undertake. Primarily because it enables the reader to live multiple lives and empathise with the thought process of the author. Put simply, you will never live my life. You will never see the world through my eyes, or interpret events through the lens of my past. You don’t have my skill set, attributes or knowledge. However, if you read my work as you are now, you get to live a bit of my life. The way I phrase things, the emphasis I use and the parts that I omit, all tell a story. In effect, by reading my work, we are sharing something. Not just what happened, but something deeper.
I have found that the more I read the more I understand. Reading enables me to view the world through somebody else’s eyes, problem solve with them and handle moral ambiguities as they would. By observing how characters interact and measuring my internal responses to their actions, I am able to learn more about myself as well as grow as a person.
Read More:
- Am I Hitting Rock Bottom?
- I Don't Know How To Be A Dad
- Why Artistic Expression Is A Mental Health Must
Read another chapter from Under the Influence, Reclaiming my Childhood. Download a free copy here, or purchase as a Paperback, eBook, or Audiobook.
You can support my work by giving a direct contribution to the website.
If you want to work with me, you can read more about my coaching, mentoring & intuitive guidance sessions.
