Jealous and Polyamorous – Your Feelings Are Valid, & What To Do About Them!
/
To be clear, whatever you are feeling is valid, normal, and likely has been felt by many other people in your situation. Regardless of if you are new to the ethical non monogamous (ENM) space or a veteran, emotions can, and should continue to, arise.
But should you do with those emotions? Particularly the ones that are ‘bad’?
Let’s take a look at jealousy, but keep in mind that this approach can be used on all emotions, and it isn’t limited just to ENM.
1: Accept
You first need to accept that you are feeling jealous. And that those feelings are okay and natural. This acceptance will come with time and practice, but for the moment, just acknowledge the feelings.
2: Stay with the feeling
It is easy to run or want to hide. I have spent years of therapy unpacking that defence mechanism.
Jealousy (remember we are talking emotionality) can few confronting or bad, particularly when there is stigma attached.
In the ENM space, this stigma is reversed. You may be critical of yourself, saying ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this way! I am open, and supportive of this life style, is something wrong with me? Have I made the wrong choice? Perhaps they aren’t for me? Perhaps…’
It is easy to judge yourself for feeling jealousy. If this is happening, put that aside. Meditation helps.
3: Recognise
Emotions are sign posts. A pre-warning system. Your mind and bodies way of saying ‘hey something is up’. Your emotions are trying to tell you something. What is it? What is underlying the jealousy?
Is it fear? Perhaps you are worried about losing your partner(s). Maybe you are thinking they are just open with you until they find ‘someone better’ to settle with? In that case perhaps it’s an underlying self-worth issue.
It could be a time-based concern. You know your partner only has so many hours in the day. With work, sleep, and other commitments, will there be anything left for you?
This could be amplified if you are the more amorous of the two. If they have a lower sex drive, and are spending some of it on another, that means that you will be getting even less of what you need. In that case, the jealousy is pointing to something else entirely.
Jealousy isn’t the issue, what it is pointing to is.
4: Communicate
The key to all successful relationships is open and honest communication.
Being able to have the awkward conversations, again and again and again, leads to a closeness and depth that is otherwise unattainable to you. So, talk. Be open and honest. Share what you are feeing - the jealousy - but focus more on the underlying issue.
This is important, because if you just communicate ‘jealousy’ you aren’t actually telling them what you are truly feeing, rather you are just giving the surface level.
Not only will your use of the word ‘jealousy’ trigger them into thinking about their interpretation of the word (perhaps they get jealous in a different way to you!) you won’t be able to address the real issue.
5: Persist
Emotions are scary, but they are manageable, and ‘bad’ emotions are not (necessarily) a reason to end the relationship, or close an ENM relationship down.
It will take time. It will take work. It will take many conversations. It will take you sitting with your jealousy. It will take them sitting with it as well. But that is okay, and in-fact, it will bring you closer. The meditation technique of mindful detachment works well here:
The thoughts, ‘I am jealous’ becomes ‘I am noticing jealousy’, becomes ‘I am noticing that jealous thoughts are present’.
In this way you are stepping back from them. Those thoughts are not ‘you’. You are simply seeing them arise. This helps you to calm down and respond rationally. Because the thing is, you are human. You evolved to want everything, for yourself, all the time. Survival dictated it.
But now you find yourself in modern society, with complex social structures, norms and morality. On top that, you are living an ‘alternative lifestyle’ and thus have less role models to guide you. No wonder you are un sure on how to process such feelings.
Application to BDSM and other dynamics
This post was inspired by an Instagram follower wanting advice on how to process their jealousy, specifically within a Dom/Sub relationship.
The answer is the same as above: accept, stay with the feeling, recognise, communicate, persist.
The good news is that, when done right, those kinds of relationships already have a strong base level of communication - if you are playing in that space, the discussions of limits, safe words and the like necessitate deeper levels of intimacy and trust (that can only be gained from talking openly).
So use those skills and talk. Make a safe space and do it from a place of love/connection/care.
And for everyone, remember, your emotions are your responsibility, just because you are feeling one way, does not make it another’s ‘fault’, nor their issue to fix.
Work it out together. Do not assign blame. Try to avoid accusations over actions, eg: ‘you saw them and bailed on me’, but rather focus on your needs/wants/feelings.
And be patient, emotions take time to process, and you probably won’t be finished after one session. And that’s okay.
In the meantime, sit and investigate what you are feeling. Dig deep. You will learn a lot about yourself, and you will grow.
I write erotic poetry and fiction, check it out on my substack!
