If you share your mental illness with someone, you are asking them to imagine a condition they can only read about and can’t experience.

Really you are asking them to change the lens that they view the world by. To overlay upon their reality, one of your condition. They have to put that lens over every situation that they have ever lived through, every action both minor and major, every interpersonal interaction, as well as over their hopes and plans for the future.

A traumatic past left me with anxiety and depression issues as well as a significant amount of pent up rage. With no guidance of how to deal with it, I turned to punching a bag for relief. Luckily for me it started to work, and I fell in love with martial arts.

Eventually I came across BJJ and I was hooked - the social atmosphere, constant learning, physicality and the practicality in a self defence situation all combined to be one of the best treatments for my mental health issues...

It is 4am as I write this, I am slightly inebriated and my brain is buzzing. I have been up all night writing and I am still going. I can’t stop.

I must keep writing. When I get on a roll I can’t help it. Something comes over me and I must get it out. It is an affliction. This has happened before and will happen again...

In the months leading up the birth of my first child, I noticed something strange occurring. Almost everyone that I told the news to had the same reaction. First, they congratulated me, then they proceeded to tell me endless stories of the horrors of childbirth and fatherhood.

They would share tales of sleepless nights, never ending inconsolable crying and the mountains upon mountains of poo that regularly explodes out of nappies. 

All of this combined in my mind to create a storm of anxious rumination. As the pregnancy progressed, my mental health steadily declined. I would bounce between dissociation and anxiety with a dash of regret thrown in there.

This is the post that I wish was available to me during that time.

"People often excuse a behaviour if there are extenuating circumstances.

We tend to forgive, downplay or simply ignore it, because we realise that the person doing the behaviour is going through something significant and therefore are ‘not themselves’ at the moment..."

As part of my first university degree, I was required to write an essay on suicide and analyse why there is a significant difference between the suicide completion rates between males and females. It was a critical analysis essay, so the writing style somewhat different to my usual. I share it here now in the thoughts that someone may gain something from reading my essay on suicide:

I don't know where to start other then by saying that writing saved my life, and I wanted to share that with you. Writing has been a lifeline for me throughout my journey with mental health challenges. In moments of deep despair and confusion, putting pen to paper has provided a powerful outlet for my thoughts and emotions, helping me to process my experiences and find clarity.

In a world that often glorifies selflessness and sacrifice, the idea of putting yourself first can feel uncomfortable, maybe even selfish. But the truth is, prioritizing your own wellbeing isn’t just essential for your personal growth and happiness; it’s also crucial for the health of your relationships and the impact you have on others. Putting yourself first is not selfish, it’s a non negotiable.